Drowning in a Different Kind of Ocean
by starstruck94
Summary: The second I tell you, you'll know the feeling. It's the split second of fear before fresh air hits you in the face. But what happens when it doesn't come? What will you do then? One-shot.


**A/N: Any mistakes are my own. I just had to put this out there cause I felt like it :) Review if you like it, it's intended to be a one-shot or a two-shot at most. Reviews are loved :)  
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, they belong to the CW. **

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"Blair?" His voice came from the doorway. _That_ voice. From _that_ man. The one I've been waiting for, who promised me the world. The one who's taken me everywhere and through everything.

"Chuck! Come," I gasp as an invisible elastic band tightens around my stomach pushing all my organs together, trying so hard to push something else out of me. Something big. Something too big to come out right now, no matter how much I want to see it. He's leaning over me, his brown eyes desperate, unknowing. '_What the fuck is going on?' _they're asking. I… Can't…

It's the scary moment when you're under the wave, you feel yourself being pushed over and around, your body not your own. It's the moment where you can't breathe, can't think, can't feel anything but trapped. You're moving too fast to stop, too fast to register where you're headed but slow enough to agonize. It's the moment right before you finally reach the break and air hits you in the face and your eyes sting with the saltiness and relief. And then, when you look around, you just laugh. Laugh because you totally over-reacted, you weren't dying. You weren't drowning in water. Go on, laugh at yourself. Shake off the fear that you looked death in the face close enough to see the holes in his skin, the bleakness of his eyes. You need to blow off steam, to pretend that you're invincible. You can't die, you'll think to yourself. You will never be that powerless again. You will never drown.  
The difference is this time I'm not the one who's drowning.  
And it's not water-- it's the tie that binds. You can see it's ruby red and feel the warmth, the fireside warmth, as it works it's way down your legs. There's too much to know what to do.  
It turns out you can drown from inside yourself. But it's not the salty water. Sorry honey, but you're suffocating in blood.

"Push, Blair, you can do it. Please Blair, do it for me, you wanna see her, don't you?" His voice is pleading. Doesn't he understand I _can't be fucking bothered right now?_ I'm so tired. I just want to sleep. Don't they know how exhausting it is to try? I'm too tired to fight the waves… They're dragging me to them, so warm, so inviting... I won't say it's a bright light—much too cliché. It's like everyone you've ever loved is in one blindingly beautiful place where the air is warm but not too hot and everywhere you look is beautiful. The clouds are giving you shade from sun. The smell of the air is like freshly cut grass; the family home kind of smell. Crisp. You see their faces, and look how happy they are to see you! You get hugs, kisses and they laugh all around… There's champagne…

What's he doing here? He can't be here, he's _there._ In the place where the line between sadness and happiness is smudged and everything morphs into another. You're happy for him to be there. He looked happier there.  
"Why are you so sad, baby?" I hear myself ask. I feel my mouth move. It still doesn't feel like it's me asking the question. My voice is too light, too joyful; I'm forgetting something big. What?  
He gives me that sad look. You know the one. The one you never, ever want to see.  
"Chuck? What's wrong?" I ask again. He's still got that look. He takes my hand, moving like he's in slow-motion. Like he's being pulled back.  
And then he starts to fade.  
And I scream, I scream too loud, too hard and my blood sprays out between my teeth, my beautiful paradise cracks and shatters at the ungodly noise. The unbecoming screech coming from my bloodied mouth. My hands are ruby red, my feet, my stomach, everything I can see. Why, why does it hurt so much to be in paradise?

Just as suddenly as I arrived, I felt myself being pulled, grasped, _dragged_ by unseen hands. They're grasping at anything and everything. Have I broken something? It feels like something's wrong… But what?  
The noise hits my ears like a truck going full speed to a brick wall. It's deafening. It's exhilarating. It's the scariest thing I've ever heard.

"Blair, hold on, please! Don't you let go! Don't you fucking DARE LET GO!" He screams. Why is he screaming? Did he have a nightmare?  
I can't feel anything, I realize. Nothing except the weight of the world on my eyelids— it's impossible to open them! I want to see Chuck, I have to see him! What's wrong with me? What the fuck is going on?  
"Blair…" He's sobbing now. "Blair, I love you, stay with me, please, stay..." Why is he sobbing? Please, Chuck, I love you too, stop crying… Why are you crying, baby?

You see, the thing about drowning is you never know how far you've gone until its too late. It's just a matter of time, you'll think, before you reach the surface. You'll find fresh air, of course you will. And then, when it doesn't come you'll see the folly in your reasoning.  
Shame on you. Why did you rely on the tide? Don't you know that it changes?

I can't hear him anymore…  
He must be better now. I let out a sigh of relief. There's a funny feeling at the back of my throat. It tastes metallic and is thick like honey as it rolls over my tongue and onto my chin. I open my eyes for one split second feeling like Hercules overcoming the heaviest, most primal feeling I've ever felt. I see him, his bloodshot eyes staring into mine. His nose is running, his hair is mussed, his face is pale and there is blood on his shirt. He's still got that sad smile, but you can see the love. It's right there, just beneath the surface. He's beautiful, even in sadness. I try to smile, to reassure him that everything is gonna be okay, but those pesky hands grab me again and pull me back. Can't they just show me the way? I can find it on my own.

I'm back in that room, that perfect place where everything's a fairytale and no-ones heart is being torn into millions of tiny pieces.

But then, trust me, when you get there you'll think something's missing, because of course there is. You knew you left something behind the second you left the house. You look around to see that smile; not the sad one. The other one, the one where everything is perfect and you're the happiest person alive cause you're so desperately in love. You might have never seen it. It's a romance-movie smile, befitting for a romance-movie love. So rare millions of people hunt after it but never catch it. It can't be bought or traded. It's a diamond in the rough.

So you turn and you turn and you turn, searching for it. Where'd it go? It was right there, in front of me. You wade through the crowds and the happy smiling faces. Can't they tell that there's something wrong?

But you get distracted… You see someone you've never met before but know who they are instantly. Silly you, of course you know her. She's your daughter, Blair. She's been waiting for forever to meet you. She tells you Daddy will be here to see you soon. You smile in relief.

So you give her a kiss and tell her it's all okay. Mommy's here now.  
Mommy's here to stay.

fin.


End file.
